I'm Terrified Of Applying For College

When I was a sophomore,
I took a physics class.
I failed the first term.
The teacher let me fix it,
and I did way more work
than I needed to.
I could've made a B on it.
But the program they use
erases the scores
after a few weeks,
and the teacher never checked it.
They believed I did a little work,
but since I'd never written down
the work I'd done,
they refused to give me anything
but a D-, 
barely passing.
I wasn't happy.
Later,
I asked if I could redo it again
for the B.
They let me,
but life got in the way,
and I never finished.
They put me back at a failing grade.
I'm missing a quarter credit of science.
I may not graduate.
I can't apply for college
with that on my transcript.
All my friends are getting into colleges.
I haven't even applied.
I redid the work last year.
It's been a year.
This whole situation
just gives me so much anxiety,
and I've never had to deal with it 
before.
I'm so terrified if I ask to have them fix it,
they'll just say,
'You should have done this a year ago.'
I know.
I was terrified.
I still am.
It's so stupid.
I am terrified of applying for college.

Greek Play

My Mom

I

don't

focus. I

hate doing

what  I'm

supposed

to be

doing.

My mother

hates it. If she

had it her way, I

wouldn't breathe until

I'd done what I needed to.

And because I live under

her roof, and only hers,

it's really hard to hide

how I live my life.

It's hard to hide

from her.

and it's

risky

sometimes,

to express the

way I really feel

about a lot of things.

Music.  Movies.  Books.

People.  Places.  My words.

My clothes.  My friends. My feelings.  

My views.  The way she and I

perceive God.  I just feel 

like I can never be me

as long as I'm around 

her.  I feel like I'm

being smothered

by a blanket

that could

attack 

me

at any

given moment

and I would never

have any warning, just

a crap of an aftermath to

deal with, and not 

enough time

to deal 

with 

it.

But

at the same

time, I love her.

She's my mom. She's

there for me when I need 

her to be, and she never lets

me down.  She's such a warm

and kind and amazing human being,

and she supports me in pretty 

much every single thing no

matter what, but one thing

she can't seem to do

is just simply

to

u

n

d

e

r

s

t

a

n

d

.

Who I Am

I am someone who is unused to complete
anonymity.
I am used to everyone seeing my face,
knowing more about me,
than I like,
and scrutinizing.
Always scrutinizing
the life they think they see.
I still wear masks.
They don't see everything.
I am used to my mother going through my things,
knowing what others don't.
I show her different masks than everyone else.
I am used to pleasing people.
I am used to making things harder
than they already are.
I am used to keeping some masks on
always.
Here,
all my old masks are gone,
and a new mask is in place.
The least important mask
is the one separating those who read this
from the person who's writing.
I am giving you everything
but my name.
And trust me,
that doesn't matter.